One of my dearest friends got married last weekend. She is beautiful, kind, and hilariously funny. She waited patiently for the right man, while many of her friends got married and had babies. I know it wasn’t easy. And her husband did the same. Which is why this weekend was such a massive celebration – the culmination of love for two people who had waited for it for so long.
I watched them pledge their lives to each other, watched them say their vows, watched their video and watched him speak about her so passionately. I watched their incredible story unfold before my eyes as they joined together in marriage, and I cried through the whole thing.
Part of me cried because it was so beautiful, and I knew just how far they’d come to reach this point, and I was so incredibly happy for my friend.
And part of me cried because my marriage suddenly seemed like nothing special next to theirs.
Five years and two kids in, marriage is hard work. Romance is hard to come by, and time & energy are all but non-existent. Disappointments, little and big, have been sprinkled over the last half-decade, and we bear the scars that they have left. In this season of raising little ones and working hard to make ends meet and still trying to fulfill the roles of husband and wife that we pledged ourselves to, we are tired.
I left the wedding, hand in hand with my equally tired partner for life, and we headed to the reception.
We sat at a table together, and sat mostly quietly as the reception festivities unfolded. But then, the dancing started.
Let me just preface this by saying, I’m not a big dancer. In fact, before Jon, you couldn’t pay me to get out on a dance floor. But once Jon came along, dancing was a little bit more fun, and I was able to stop being so uptight and actually enjoy it. I still don’t really love dancing with anyone else, but I absolutely LOVE dancing with Jon.
So, determined to have a date night (kid free!) that included a little dancing, I pulled him out onto the floor.
And we had the BEST time.
We danced to Michael Jackson and Taylor Swift and got ridiculously silly out there. I can think of two times where I had to stop to catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. We probably looked like idiots, but we didn’t care who was watching, because we were having so much fun with each other. And we needed to have fun with each other.
Out there on the dance floor, I began to see my husband clearly, without the blinders of exhaustion that I wear every day. Jon makes me laugh. He puts me at ease the way no one else can, and he makes a point to show me he loves me, every day. He knows when I need to get away, and when I need to be with him, and he works hard to meet those needs for me. He juggles three jobs to help our family make ends meet and provide for our future while I stay home with the kids. He loves Jesus, and teaches our kids about Him every chance he gets.
And I realized something.
Five years and two kids in, marriage is beautiful and rich. Romance might be hard to come by, but it shows up in little ways that mean a lot, like taking out the trash and holding hands on the couch after the kids are asleep. Disappointments are a part of life, but forgiveness and maturity make a marriage deep and help us recognize our need for the Lord. In this season of raising little ones and working hard to make ends meet and still trying to fulfill the roles of husband and wife that we pledged ourselves to, we are blessed with a partner who’s not going anywhere.
We’re back home now, Jon working long hours and me trying to keep my sanity here at home with the kids. But I see him a little differently. A little less cynically. A little more honestly. It feels like a bit of a new start that we desperately needed. And I’m falling in love all over again.
There’s a reason, maybe even a handful of them, why Jon and I are married. And when our life together begins to feel like nothing special, it’s my job to get my perspective right, to see my husband in a new light, and remember those reasons why I loved him in the first place.
The fact of the matter is that whether you’re just getting married or you’ve been married for decades, Jesus can make things new every day. In the little things and the big, He is constantly redeeming and bringing new life to dead places.
I think, as wives, the most important thing we need to ask him to renew each day is our perspective – how we see our husbands and our kids, how we view our very lives! And He is faithful to give us His perspective, to bring new life and lasting love to our ordinary, “nothing-special” marriages.
Even out on a dance floor.
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Kayse is a wife, mom, and founder of the Anchored Women community. She writes to help women fight busy, find rest, and build a life that’s anchored in Christ. Kayse is also the creator of the S.O.S. Planner, the Anchored Life Kit, and other practical resources that equip women to manage their homes and families in confidence. You can find her writing and her resources at anchored-women.com!
Wow! Thanks for sharing. I needed this!
Beautiful article. Thank you!
Thanks for this great post! I keep seeing people saying “5 years in, and I think we’re coming to realize the honeymoon is over…”…………… I’m two years and two babies in and that honeymoon has been over since our first surprise bundle of joy (which is ironic since he was a honeymoon baby 😉 ). This is a beautiful post that really hits the spot! Thanks for that!
Thanks Kayse.
Very real and I love that. We are 2 kids and 8 years in and only now do I feel I am hitting my groove. Is it the post toddler feel? is it that I’m finally over my PND?? No idea!
I’ve been married for 20 years and there are times we forget to acknowledge each other… This blog helped me and encouraged me.. I looked at my husband after reading it and I love him more everyday.. We just don’t show each other how we feel.. But with the lord with us and our faith strong we can get thru anything together. Thank you for the inspiration…
This doesn’t only apply to marriage but to relationships in general. Great read!
I like to remember why I love my husband!
Awesome post! Thanks for sharing 🙂
I love spending time alone with my husband. We just agreed to have more date nights! Between work and 4 kids and everything else, we’ve decided that we had let “us” slip a bit. No more!!!
Very inspiring and very true!!
Great article!
Always remember what made you decide to marry your spouse.All marriages have their ups and downs and it takes work.
Thank you for this reminder!
To finish the comment above: it is an encouraging reminder not to compare your marriage with someone else’s.
It’s inspiring when you talk about being able to see your husband through new eyes. My husband recently got a new job and he has become very successful and confident and has grown into himself in ways that I never thought he could. I am able to see him with new eyes and with admiration for the person that I married.
Love this post! What a great reminder! When you talked about remembering the things you love about your husband…I don’t do that enough. I am constantly bombarded with the things I don’t love. But, at the end of the day, I would be so lost without him!! We are about to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary!! <3
Thank you so much for the reminder. It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in my to do lists that I forget to invest in my husband like I should.
This was a beautiful article. I hope that some of my FB take the time and read it from my post. Thank you again for writing such inspirational articles.
I love this! Marriage needs to be worked on. You need to invest time with each other.
Yes! Our perspective really changes things. Sometimes when we get mad, or hurt, the hardest step is just choosing to put that negative emotion aside in order to focus on the positive. When we’re smack in the middle of the –ugh– we often don’t want to have to stop wallowing in our self pity to actually do something to change things. But when we do, it is such a blessing… and not only to us, but also to our spouses, our children, and everyone around us.
Loved this post! Thanks for sharing your life and wisdom. <3
Marriage IS hard work and I wish someone had told me that earlier. I had all these ideals about what marriage was supposed to be thanks to my obsession with romance novels and “happily every after” fairy tails. But marriage just isn’t that – it’s a day in, day out choice to love your spouse no matter how much they annoy you, no matter how tired you are, no matter how crazy your days are. It’s doing life together and standing by each other through good times and bad, in sickness and health…and I think sometimes, in the euphoria of a wedding day and the honeymoon stage, we forget that. And when you’re raising little ones, you have to learn to be creative about romance and time for just the two of you. My mom told me something once that has stuck with me: Always make time for the two of you, because when the kids are grown up and gone, it will be just the two of you again and you don’t want to be staring at a stranger.
Thank you for this reminder that the ordinary is made extraordinary by God’s blessing!
Thanks for the reminder! It reminds me of the phrase, don’t compare your every day to someone’s highlight reel.
This is a great reminder! Thank you!
Thank you for reminding me that we need to make time to have fun together. It’s so easy to get caught up in the day to day life with children, jobs, etc.
This is such a true post! Marriage can be so hard but it is so incredibly important to remember that magic that you have. You can be reminded of it in a date or a long getaway but it is important to remind yourself of that!
I LOVE your honesty in this post!! “Five years and two kids in, marriage is hard work. Romance is hard to come by, and time & energy are all but non-existent.” Yes, yes, and yes!!
Although, I am not married yet, or any where, close this is all very good info.
My husband and I just celebrated our 5th year anniversary. We were reflecting on our anniversary that our love is deeper now than we first were married….but at the same time we recognize that we are more comfortable with each other. Two kids, normal life stresses, lack of sleep = easier now than five years ago to say things without thinking. One of our ministers reminded us that when we were dating we were willing for the work involved to date and build the relationship….when we get married, we need to remember it’s work too…to continue to build the relationship. Great post!
It is amazing how sometimes we can forget to really appreciate the things that are the most important. I know got me, my relationship with my husband can easily be taken for granted since it seems so steady and reliable. I appreciate the reminder to see it for what it is- special, wonderful and in need of attention.
My husband and I have been together for 13 years (since high school) and married for 5 years. We have 2 young daughters, and it is so.dang.hard to find time to connect. Thanks for reminding me that (almost) all families with young children experience this season of chaos.
Great reminder that marriage takes work and dedication. Some special time alone together like date nights is truly needed for all married couples.
What a great reminder! We only see part of others’ stories, but we’re living ours. For a story to be good, there has to be conflict (remember that from high school English?). We see the struggle in our story, and forget that the struggle is part of what makes it great.
Thank you for sharing your story.
The ordinary love that stands next to you and fights alongside and never gives up is so much better and more fulfilling than the crazy romantic love will ever be. (Though that is nice too, on occasion!)
Wow, very honest! Thanks for sharing.
This is a great reminder that God doesn’t want us to compare ourselves or our marriage to any other person or marriage. Hubby and I will be married for 10 years January 2016. We went through a lot the first 4 years of our marriage that many would have walked away from and then struggled financially for years 5-8. Another reason many call it quits. But each year we have pressed on and we are so much stronger in our relationship, so much more secure in our relationship with each other and our Lord, we are so much more willing to put God first and love each other the way He wants us to.
It is so sad to see so many marriages end in our time, but it is something we can certainly pray for.
Thanks for you honest words! You’re a blessing!
Marriage can be really hard work. Thanks for the reminder that it’s normal and totally worth it 😉
“Disappointments are a part of life, but forgiveness and maturity make a marriage deep and help us recognize our need for the Lord”—- yes!
How easy it is to let ourselves, our marriage feel like it doesn’t compare to those who are in “new love”, when what we have is so great.
Thank you for sharing your story. All marriages are special and a gift from God. Thank you for reminding me!
From time to time, I think everyone see someone else and thinks they just don’t measure up to them, their marriage, etc. I count myself blessed to be married to my best friend and have 2 beautiful children together! I also thank God on a regular basis for all that I have and all that he has done for me!
We are in our 17th year! Marriage takes commitment to work it ALL out. And, have fun along the way!
“He is faithful to give His perspective…” SO TRUE! (Sorry to shout, but I felt the need to holler that from the rooftops!) As a believer in a marriage that is unequally yoked (I came to Christ shortly after we were married) I need a constant reminder that Christ’s view of my husband and our marriage is the one that matters. Thanks, Kayse.
No marriage is perfect…. With hard work, live and forgiveness…. It can be a beautiful thing!
Wow!!! I need to be able to easily access this post – I love it!!!
I need to add “date nights” to the calendar. Thanks for the reminder 😀
What a great post!
Marriages go through many different seasons. The key is to love each season for what it is and to love your spouse unconditionally!
I just have to say this post made me tear up a little! Thanks for the encouragement
Reading this post filled me with hope and has really changed my perspective. Thank you for sharing.
I read this the other day, because even after 25 years this comes up. Your post was just what I needed, thanks.
We just celebrated our 45th anniversary. Your blog post is a great reminder that marriage takes hard work–and some fun sprinkled in!
Beautiful post…marriage IS hard, and it isn’t perfect and so often we believe it should be! What an encouragement this post is!!
I love the idea of a new perspective each day!
Being married for 5 years to the husband of my dreams (dreams I never knew I had) I love this post and totally agree that each marriage is unique and beautiful in its own. Your marriage is what you make out of it and how much you are willing to put in it too. And it is work, it never ends but it is rewarding and I wouldn’t want to be without my husband.
Celebrated 12 years this past March and we are expecting baby number 4! I realize everyday that marriage and family requires a lot of work and with God’s help and His grace that shows us everyday-we can do it! Even though times of tiredness, stress and working odd jobs to help family and dates become almost non-existent(I know that is bad-we are working on it) God has been so gracious to us! There are days where I look at how bad things are more than how good we have it and I am so thankful for where we are now! I will take the good and the bad and if I could do it all over again, I would do it just the same with my husband!
We pastor a small church in Northern New England and we have no family here-some sacrifices have been made to be here like Chris working 3 jobs outside of church and me working full time, but we wouldn’t change anything-love our little family!
Hi, I’m your neighbor on Wifey Wednesday. So much truth here. We can never compare our marriage to what others have. They all look different. All unique. My husband and I are almost at 11. We almost gave up once, it just became too hard. But God saw us through for a greater purpose. We would have missed all the great stuff ahead.
That’s the path He has us on now…preaching this to other couples and helping them to push through. It is all about perspective. Never give the enemy a foothold, it can be so easy when you are going through hard times.Being able to get focus off a problem and onto Him and the future. So glad to meet you, Kayse.
At some point we all tend to slip from brides who gaze lovingly at our husbands to drudge housewives who give a sideward glance while we hustle about doing all the stuff that we need to do. A friend of ours, after over 50 years of marriage, always referred to his wife as his bride. It made Gary start to do the same. Not to say that it made things all warm and fuzzy all the time but it helped change the perspective some. And it made me think about our relationship to Christ. Jesus called the church his bride. Even as Christians, we tend to slip into the drudge housewife role with Jesus, taking him for granted and focusing more on the work that should result from faith rather than the gift of grace that makes faith possible.
May we all, as wives, see our husbands through the eyes of a bride, and better yet, through the eyes of Christ, who loves him more than we ever could. Hugs to you, Kayse.
This is beautiful, and such a sweet reminder for me. My hubby and I have only been married for two years and don’t have kiddos yet, but I so agree with you that our marriage has been marked by both disappointment and deep joy.
Kayse, I have been LOVING your blog these last few weeks. Your voice and your heart are so clear in your words and you express so many things I’ve felt in my own heart and marriage. I’m grateful for all I’m learning from you and can’t wait to keep following along!
Kayse, wow, this is so wonderful to read! My husband, Mike and I, have 5 children (ages 9-15), and have been married 17 years. Sometimes I feel so invisible and so lonely. Don’t get me wrong. Mike is a kind, loving man, and a man who loves Jesus–like I do. He’s a great dad, and we used to have such fun times together. But life has beat him down. He deals with diabetes, and we’ve had some major losses. I feel sometimes like I just don’t know how to help him bounce back. I do believe that spending time together without our Fabulous 5 is one of the keys, but I’m at a bit of a loss. I am still praying and believing things can change, so we can find that sweet spot again.
Michelle,
Thank you for your comment. My husband and I are coming upon 16 years and have 3 little miracles that we struggled to get to this life. My husband is wonderful and patient and caring, but we have had an issue lately in “having fun” together. I feel like we are always so busy and caught up in everything else that we don’t know how to date each other any longer and enjoy the company of the other person. Life has certainly beat us down and we’ve had our share of disappointment. I’ve felt so all alone and so lost of who I am lately and I know that has been a difficult bump in our marriage. I am praying more and reading my scriptures and believing that my loving father in heaven will help me get past these feelings and fears and help me find my happy again. We have both had depression issues with losses and other stress in our lives and marriage and I feel frustrated that I don’t know how to help him bounce back either. I am working on me and trying to show unconditional love. It was so nice to read that I’m not the only person who has those feelings and I’m trying to have the faith that it will all be better soon! Thank You for sharing.
I think every marriage is special because every marriage is unique. Your marriage isn’t like anyone else’s and you have insights that people with other marriages don’t necessarily have–insights that people going through the same things as you are need to hear! Don’t get discouraged!
Kayse, May God bless you richly as you have blessed me. Through your words and gentle approach to such touchy and sometimes messy topics and issues, I now see where I have gone wrong in my approach to my marriage. I’m going through a rough patch within myself, but I know it’s the Lord reshuffling and refining me to bring out the gold and help me deal with stuff that is holding me back and hindering me being happy in my home life. I stumbled across your website whilst looking for planners and I do believe with was meant to be. Just know that you have already helped confirm what I was hearing for the Holy Spirit. God bless you and your family richly.
We’re almost four years in and it’s getting to that point where we’re about out of the honeymoon phase and into “okay, this is real life and we’re in it together–how the heck do we figure all this out?”
Some days we’re both so tired and cranky, but then there are those days–and even just those moments–when my eyes are opened again to see this amazing man I married, the one who works tirelessly for me and who is still loving, patient, gentle and kind with me even after long hours at work. The one who does little romantic things that mean a whole lot (like getting a Valentine card for me every day of the week of Valentine’s Day!), and the one my heart races for in those moments of romance.
It’s those little things that make the tough days totally worth it.
Thank you so much for this, Kayse!! <3
The first five or six years of marriage were hard for me. We’ve been married 12 1/2 years now and I like marriage more and more all of the time. Stay committed to God and each other and you’ll find more and more beauty in marriage. As always, I’m so grateful for your honest, heart-felt words here. You’re such an encouragement. xoxo
Honestly, 5 years is hard. You’re out of the honeymoon phase and into the trenches of marriage. We’re coming up on 13 years and I think our marriage is better than ever. I’m more me; he’s more him. Not that the honeymoon phase isn’t wonderful, but it’s nice to be at a comfortable place. Not “settled”, but settled in. We’re still that “cute little couple” we were, but with more experience. It’s like you gain more confidence in yourself and your relationship as time goes on and you weather storms.
Loved this post!
Thank you, Kayse, for this outstanding, emotional, beautiful post. I am 10 years and 1 kid in and I so needed this. It’s to easy to be ruled by the things that go wrong, the things that don’t go my way, the annoyances, the miscommunication. It’s time to get that new perspective and be ruled by our vows instead. God bless you!