On Love Tanks and Dishes

We spent the last three days arguing about dishes.

DISHES.

We argued about who said they would do them, who was supposed to do them, and why they weren’t done yet. And meanwhile, the dishes sat, crusty and piled high and definitely not clean.

Instead of either Jon or I putting an end to the argument, we just kept on going, insisting that we were the one to be right. We were each far more concerned with our own “rightness” than our spouse’s well-being. And surprisingly, it didn’t benefit our marriage one bit.

(I’m just kidding about the surprise. That’s no surprise at all – am I right?)

A few days after we’d cooled down, and the dishes had been done, I was still thinking about the dishes. And love tanks.

I think I first heard about love tanks during a marriage conference a few years ago, but I’m pretty sure the idea comes from Gary Chapman. They’re like this invisible gas tank we’ve got inside us, and how full it is determines just how much love we have to give to others.

Just like the gas in your car – if you’ve got a full tank, you can go far. But when you’re running on fumes, that car is not going anywhere, no matter how hard you push it.

So I guess, ideally, you and your hubby both have super-full love tanks. You’re devoted to filling up each other’s love tanks with encouraging notes, sweet kisses, and deep, meaningful conversations. Each spouse feels filled and satisfied and joyfully devotes the entirety of their life into pouring into the other.

Like I said. That’s ideal. Though I don’t know anyone at all who lives that way!

In real life, marriage can look a little different. Jobs and grad school and babies and dinner and dishes and laundry and small group and extended family and sleep and lack of sleep all seem to drain our tanks, and make it seem like we can’t possibly fill the tank of someone else.

We argue about dishes for three days and love tanks are running on fumes.

Not that I would know anything about that.

We’re in a hard season in our marriage, and here’s what I’ve noticed about myself lately: It is hard to think about filling up anyone else’s love tank on days when yours is virtually depleted. It’s easy to quit pouring out (likely because we feel we have nothing else to give, and we aren’t getting anything either, goshdarnit!), but then, if you don’t fill your hubby’s tank, it gets depleted too, and he’s got nothing left to pour into you. And the cycle begins and spirals downward into petty arguments about dishes.

That downward spiral can feel awfully hopeless and confusing and frustrating. And it’s inevitable if we keep looking to each other to fill us up.

Here’s the thing I’m starting to understand: Most of the time I expect Jon to fill me up. With kind words and oozing encouragement and lavish praises that I oh-so-obviously deserve. With acts of service and dates planned especially for me and flowers just because and gifts that scream thoughtfulness.

You know, just the every day stuff. Filling up my empty spaces with temporary fixes.

And I unfairly place expectations on him that he was never supposed to meet.

Our husbands are just as human as we are. Human, not divine. They are wonderful and giving and capable of so much. But when we expect them to save us, to fill those empty spaces and build up our happiness, all on their own, we’re always going to be disappointed.

They weren’t designed to be God (and neither were we). And it’s unfair of us to expect them to be.

So, rather than heap extra pressure on each other during a time when we already feel the heaviness of life, why don’t we turn to the One who always has enough?

I’m working on taking those expectations that I have for my husband, and moving them to the shoulders of Jesus, where they belong. He is the only one who can fill me up fully, who can surpass my expectations and who knows my heart better than I do. And I’m learning that as I go to Jesus to meet my needs, I’m able to more freely love Jon, without any condition.

When I am full of the love of Jesus, I am free to love my husband with that very same love. And when I love my husband with the love of Jesus, he responds in love. And somehow we find our tanks pretty full and our hearts pretty happy, even during the hard stuff.

When we leave Jesus out of the equation, everyone ends up empty.

This is a hard lesson for me, one I’m learning slowly. I have to free my husband from the weight of expectations he can never fulfill. I’m not saying that there aren’t any ways he can pour into me – there ARE!!! And we do talk about those. Regularly.

But I also want to acknowledge that sometimes, my unfair expectations undermine the love that he’s already showing me, because it doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

Ultimately, Jon is not Jesus. He’s going to fail and let me down and mess up every now and then. I’m going to do the same to him. The only one who is never going to fail either of us is Jesus.

When it comes to filling up our love tanks, I think we’d better go to the One who has a steady supply for the both of us.

And maybe just consider hiring someone else to wash our dishes.

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