A Letter to Those With Growing Bellies…
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| Wait, this is MY kid?!?! |
When I was pregnant with Emily, I had some big dreams. Nine months is a lot of time for planning and preparing, even for this notoriously type-A girl. But, in reality, no amount of planning adequately prepares you for becoming a mommy. It’s sorta unplannable.
But, if you’re like me, you want to plan. You NEED to plan. So here are a few of the biggest things I’ve learned since taking on the hardest and best job I’ve ever had…
1. People Are Well-Intentioned, But Not Helpful.
I’m not trying to be offensive here, but I want you to know that you don’t need to listen to what everyone is telling you. People want to tell you all of their mommy horror stories and share their green wisdom and comment on your size, and you just have to smile and nod…and walk away. Pick and choose the few people who are moms that you want to be like, and listen to them. Tune out all the other dimwitted people who see your belly and take it as an open invitation to run off their mouths. Direct all friends and family to this post, and make sure they read it, so that you are protected from their nonsense. Pretty soon they’ll all be commenting on your parenting choices too, so you better figure out who you want to listen to pretty quickly.
2. Even the Wisest People Share the Wrong Info.
I promise you that after you give birth, there are going to be seventeen things that you call your mommy friends about and yell “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS???” at them. They will apologize and say “Oh yeah…I forgot about that.” And in a year, you will too. The tough things are the things that people forget to mention {probably because God mercifully allows us to forget the horrors of childbirth in an attempt to get us to repeat it}. Bottom line is that you won’t know everything going in, so just accept that now, and try to remember those things so you can share them with the next newbie mothers. And maybe you won’t get yelled at.
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| From birth plans to pictures… babies have their own ideas. |
3. Birth Plans are a Joke.
By all means, make one. It’s important to know how your ideal birth would go. But then please also know that it probably will not go that way. Something will happen. Something will fail. Something will change. And it’s ok. I went into labor with a natural, med-free, delayed cord clamping, baby immediately on my chest sort of plan, and I got an emergency induction topped with an emergency c-section and extended NICU stay. Things don’t go the way you plan, and while stories like mine are rare, birth plan changes are not. Have a framework in mind, but be willing to make changes as needed. A healthy baby is the best birth plan.
4. Percoset Is Your Friend.
Don’t be a hero. You just had a baby, you already ARE one. A delivery (whether natural or by c-section) is like being hit by a few semi trucks. All in a row. On a street of knives. I have never been in as much pain in my life as I was after my c-section. Cut yourself some slack and take some pain meds, for goodness sake. Your nerves and your hubby will thank you. 🙂
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| Why yes, I can blow bubbles! |
5. Breastfeeding is HARD.
And it hurts. Oh my goodness, it hurts. For minutes and hours and days and weeks it hurts. Until one day, it doesn’t. And then it’s easy and wonderful and amazing. If you can breastfeed, power through those first couple months, and then count yourself blessed. So very blessed.
6. It Gets Better.
We had a rough start with Emily, I’ll make that my disclaimer. Things didn’t go as planned, to say the least, and the first few weeks were truly hellish. But even after our NICU discharge, the days were hard and the nights were harder. I was exhausted. I missed my husband {and he was sitting right next to me}. I did not feel like a mom {much less a good one!} and I wondered when this babysitting stint was going to be over. It was more than I felt like I could handle. But it gets better. Month 3 was better than Month 2. Month 6 was infinitely better than Month 3. And today gets better with every single minute. I know it’s hard at the beginning. It’s so hard. But hang in there, it gets better. I promise. So much better.
6. It’s Worth It.
I think this probably goes without saying. But I’ve come at you with some pretty heavy stuff so far, so I feel like I need to say it. Yes, people will make ridiculous comments, and leave out the important stuff, and birth plans don’t always work, and pain meds are a necessity, and breastfeeding sucks at first, and the beginning is the toughest part, BUT. BUT, it’s worth it. It may not feel like it at 3am when that tiny little bundle of joy is screaming her head off and you couldn’t produce another drop of milk if you tried, or at the grocery store when you realize that both you and the aforementioned bundle are covered in mustard poop, but it is. Worth it, I mean. Because all the exhaustion and self-doubting and exhaustion and praying and exhaustion and pain are all overshadowed by the first time that she grabs your finger, or looks you in the eye, or falls asleep with her head on your chest, or says “mama”. In those moments, nothing else matters, and you’d do it all again in a heartbeat, because this, this is what life is. This inseparable mixture of pain and joy and worry and peace and tears and smiles and losing and gaining, this is life. This is love, the giving of yourself, all of yourself, for another, who holds more of your heart than you knew you had. Is it worth it? Oh yes. A hundred times yes. 🙂
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| See? Hoods with ears make labor totally worth it. 🙂 |
Want to hear what other mommies have to say? Head on over to Growing Up Geeky and check out the Toddle Along Tuesday link-up. We’re all over there sharing our pearls of wisdom for new moms. 🙂
Kayse Pratt serves Christian women as a writer + designer, creating home + life management resources that help those women plan their days around what matters most. She’s created the most unique planner on the market, helped over 400 women create custom home management plans, and works with hundreds of women each month inside her membership, teaching them how to plan their days around what matters most. When she’s not designing printables or writing essays, you’ll find Kayse homeschooling her kids, reading a cheesy novel with a giant cup of tea in hand, or watching an old show from the 90’s with her husband, who is her very best friend.
Can I add for adopting new mummies, as well? Our children weren’t relinquished at birth and had a very tough start and are slightly (a lot) messed up because of it. I don’t know so much about babies that were handed over at the start. But we learned:
1) ‘They all do that!’ is the single most unhelpful statement ever. They might but they don’t all do it to the extreme that our children do or from the same place of impulsiveness or terror. Our kids are a bit different.
2) ‘I am sure it wasn’t that bad where they came from’, some people need to to know some of the details of our children’s beginnings. It was worse but people can’t cope with looking at our children and imagining the horrors were real for them. They want it to be nicer.
3) The phrase ‘my children are not as big as they look’ is your friend. My 8 and 6 yro are somewhere between 2 and 5 years old depending on various factors, they are never 8 and 6. They are doing very well but with an adopted child the age of the child you have is not the chronological age of the child you have.
4) Chlidren like ours don’t like change or excitement and abused children cope better with sad and angry than happy and nice and will try to manipulate the world to fit this. So you end up parenting upside down, giving love and smiles and cuddles when they are doing their best to make you shout at them.
5) Stress is contagious. The grown ups have to calm the situation with slow breathing, talking and cuddles where the child can hear your heart beat. So, you are constantly monitoring the situation to test your own stress levels. Once I have lost my cool it goes very bad at our house.
6) Wanting to be loved and knowing what to do with it are two very different things. Your child is desperate to love you and believe you love them but totally terrified at the same time. It takes ages, years sometimes for them to relax and ease into it. But believe me, every little action is being heard and watched like a hawk. Our kids have been home 3.5 yrs now and every now and then they comment on something we did years ago when it seemed like nothing was going in. Everything was going in and now it is beginning to bear fruition. You know because they start taking you for granted, breaking rules and being generally normal. You will celebrate these days. We celebrated the first time my girl had her first, ever tantrum 8 months age, aged 7. Because she felt safe enough to do that. And she has had 2 since then. Some of the smallest things are mahoosive, ginormous steps forward for kids like ours.
7) You will be exhausted at the beginning and sometimes wonder what you thought you were thinking. But it gets better and after 6 or 7 months you really start feeling like family and a sense of belonging together will start to develop.
8) It is soooooo worth it. It really is the best, most amazing thing and you have so much fun and even when it is hard there will be moments of wonder.
I hope I haven’t hijacked your post.