For when your dreams change
My dream is changing.
For the last year I have wanted to write a book.
It’s written now, essentially. I still have major editing to do after my agent and editor take a look at it, but the bulk of it is done.
But there is a dream I’ve had since I was a little girl that still fills my heart. Feels unfinished.
The book is complete now and I am learning that my dreams are bigger than a book.
I miss my mom so much lately. This month the pain of her loss has been acute. It always is in February, but this year, six years out, I almost feel like I’m backtracking. The panic attacks from the first year have returned at night, and I find myself welling up at everything even remotely emotional. Emily gets sick and the person I call for advice misses my call because she rightly has a life and kids of her own and I think that would never happen if I could call my own mom. I go to a baby shower and somehow find a way to breathe through a mom praying over her daughter who is carrying twin girls. Three generations of women, all able to reach out and touch one another, and I wonder if they know how lucky they are. I wonder whether that’s something you can really understand before the loss of it.
I am overwhelmed with missing my mom and all the pain is mixed up in remembering all the wonderfulness. How she created a home that was warm and welcoming and cozy. How she cooked with love and created a culture of conversation around the table. How she read to me and my brother and encouraged our gifts and poured out her love in every way she possibly could. How her life was shaped around the shaping of our lives, selflessly, tirelessly.
My biggest dream is to follow my mom’s example. To love my own family the way she loved us.
To serve my husband with the selfless devotion that my mom had. To plan meals and do laundry and iron clothes and make our home a place of refuge for him. To pour myself into Emily’s life, encouraging her faith and her dreams and her personality and her heart. To read to her and push her on the swings and be willing to get out the paint (what a mess, right?). To look into her eyes and make sure she knows she is loved, not only by me and her daddy, but by a God who knows and sees her. To teach my children about that God and our faith and instill in them a love for Him and others. To encourage my husband in his faith and leadership of our family.
This… this is a big dream.
I don’t know how my mom did it all, but she did. It’s times like these when I so wish heaven was just a phone call away. But it’s not and she’s not here and I have to forge the way on my own, led by memories and books and prayers to the God who calls me daughter.
It will take all of me.
So some other things have to go.
I feel like I’m always in a state of refining, figuring out which things I can release so that I can fully embrace the things I need.
I long to be consistent here in this writing space, but consistency is going to look differently for a while. Instead of five days of writing each week, I’m limiting myself to three. Only three. Feel free to call me on it if you see more than that. I am letting go of some technical things here and hoping that this space will continue to be a place where you are encouraged, even if I don’t have the perfect pinterest-friendly graphic. I am going to continue to seriously limit my Facebook time, so that my Emily and my Jon receive my full attention while I can still give it to them.
I have to do these things, you see, because I dream of being the kind of Jesus-loving wife and momma that gives herself fully to her family, the way I believe I am called to do.
So my dream is changing.
Or, maybe, this has been my dream all along.
Linking up today (and every Tuesday) over at Holley’s place, where we write about the dreams that are bigger than we are.
Kayse is a wife, mom, and founder of the Anchored Women community. She writes to help women fight busy, find rest, and build a life that’s anchored in Christ. Kayse is also the creator of the S.O.S. Planner, the Anchored Life Kit, and other practical resources that equip women to manage their homes and families in confidence. You can find her writing and her resources at anchored-women.com!
What a beautiful honoring post to your mother. I lost my father two years ago and it’s still hard when I think of what he’s missing (really me missing him) when my kids do something or when I just wish my dad was still here with me.
I wonder how many of us saw our dreams change once we started down this path. Having lost my father, I can appreciate your pain. I remember coming back to my parent’s house after dad’s service, and picking up the phone to call him.
Bless you for pouring all that love into your own daughter.
Peace and good to you.
Kayse, I am right there with you friend. Feeling very quiet right now, very contemplative and introspective. Weighing out my dreams, my priorities, what really matters. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Beautiful words, Kayse, flowing from a beautiful heart!
Well said, Kayse. What a beautiful heart you have for your family and for God’s design for your life. The type of home your mom created is such a great example and challenge. Oh, how easily I lose sight of the goal! Thanks for the lovely reminder.
Kayse, wow, what a beautiful tribute to your Mama and a beautiful dream that will bless generations to come!
Thank you, Holley!
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, Kayse. It sounds like she was such a treasure of a person, and a wonderful catalyst and example for the dream you wrote about so eloquently today. May you find joy as you find new ways to balance your writing with pursuing this larger dream.
She was amazing! The best mom ever. 🙂
I teared up reading this…and then went to give my daughter a hug. This is the most beautiful dream of all…and what an amazing example you had to follow. May our children be as blessed as you were and still are. I love this post and this piece of your heart. Beautiful, friend.
Your words are so sweet, thank YOU! Daughters are a special gift, that’s for sure.
Of course, she is in time out right now…
Kayse, this is your best post yet! So beautifully written. My mother has not been in my life for a long time and as a first time mom of a one year old, I hear you. I just told my husband a few days ago how hard it is to not have that one person who’s always in your corner regarding motherhood. While the Lord is gracious to give us what we need, it is never easy living without a mom. Thank you for writing this!
It’s so true. I’m sorry your mom isn’t around either – some days it does feel like you’re going at it alone without anyone in your corner. Some days are harder than others, and there are seasons where I feel her absence more acutely. I’m sure you get that. Praying for you right now, and thank you so much for your kind words about the post. 🙂
There is so much truth here. I find that as seasons with our kids change so do our other dreams. I’m encouraged to see you embrace the change, trusting God along the way. There are so many temptations to do more and do it now, that I’m thankful there are people who whole-heartedly choose to serve their family first. Thanks for sharing your heart.
SO many temptations to do more and do it now, you are so right! There’s this feeling that I’ll fall behind when I do this. But it does have to do with trust. God’s in control of my life and my blog, and I need to follow His plan for our family. 🙂 Thank you!
What a beautiful post – it brought tears to my eyes. Honestly, you won’t regret the time you invest in your family. My boys are 11 and 14 and they are gone more than they are home anymore. Dreams don’t have to be either/or – sometimes, they are just look a little different or they incubate and wait for a different season.
I think I’m still learning about seasons and dreams. Thank you for this reminder!
Oh sweet friend how I love this post and your heart in all of it. A wise friend once told me that my first ministry will always be my family. To love on them first and best. So excited about all that God has in store for you in this. Lifting you up to Him this morning. Blessings.
Yes, our first ministry. I’m realizing even my other dreams were there so that I’d be more available for my family. And now, hopefully, even more so. Thank you for your prayers, friend!
Kayse, a beautifully written, honest post. Thank you for sharing your dream like that. It is changing for the better and emerging from the cocoon where it was all along. You made me smile this morning.
Thanks Christine. 🙂