For The Mom Who Wants To Finish Well
It’s been a rough few weeks at our house.
Jon’s been working very long hours again (spread between his second job and schoolwork), which means that the kids are all mine, all the time. In the middle of that, I got some sort of evil stomach virus that lost me 12 pounds in 4 days (thanks?), all while still being mommy full time. We seem to be in a season of whining and complaining with the four-year-old, and that wears me thin and destroys whatever small sliver of patience I started the day with. The one-year-old is generally happy, but decides every few minutes to do something that could possibly end his life (lick the electrical sockets, climb the bookshelf, nosedive off the couch, etc.), and requires my full attention if I plan to keep him around for a while.
I’ll be honest, and hope you get it & don’t send me hate mail. The last few weeks, I have been tired of being a mom. I have needed a break. But this schedule of ours isn’t letting up anytime soon, and I was starting to feel pretty hopeless about it. (Like, lock myself in the bathroom with the chocolate, hopeless.) I have been weary. So, the TV has been on more, the yelling has been more frequent, and the fun has been nowhere to be found.
A few days ago, a friend and I took our kids to the park & to lunch. The park had a gate around the whole thing (bless the man who thought of this!), so we were able to just sit & chat while the kids ran around freely. Even the baby! It felt like a tiny break. And then we took the four of them to lunch at Panera, which, as you know, was a feat in itself because have you been to a restaurant with a one-year-old? It’s not pretty, or quiet. We juggled sandwiches, caught drinks from spilling, hurriedly attempted to eat our own lunches (why even get these? who knows…), and tried to stay one step ahead of the tornado that was our table.
As we picked ourselves up the best we could, and began to head out of the restaurant, an older lady at the next table over stopped me.
“Are these all your kids?” she asked.
“No,” I laughed and shook my head. Did she not see Amanda? DO I LOOK OLD ENOUGH TO BE AMANDA’S MOM?! “We’ve each got two. These two are mine.” And I pointed to the baby on my hip and the preschooler running around in circles.
“They’re beautiful.” she said. “I miss those days.”
I laughed again and told her that I knew one day I would miss them, but today I was pretty exhausted.
She looked into my eyes and said, “I regret those days. I would do it all differently now. I would spend more time with my kids. I wouldn’t turn the TV on for them as much and tell them to go watch it so I could have a break. I would involve them more, and play more, and be with them more. I regret not doing that.”
The kids intervened just then and my attention was diverted, but I thanked her for the chat and we headed to the car.
Fast forward to yesterday, and I spent the morning putting tiny ponytails all over Emily’s head for Crazy Hair Day at preschool. We were running late again, so I was inevitably hurrying everyone along and probably raising my voice a bit. I wanted to take a picture of Emmy’s hair, but she wanted to take a video. I was irritated because we didn’t have time for a video, but we stopped to take a quick one anyways, where she told us what day it was and spun around to show off her crazy hair. I cut it off and slipped my phone away as we ran down the street to get to school on time.
On the way home, not so pressed for time, I sent the video to my dad, thinking he’d think her hair was funny. He called me almost immediately, thanked me for the video, and said, “I miss those days.”
“Those days, when you and your brother were little, and your mom would dress you up and plan fun things for you, when you would tell me about everything and always wanted to be with us, those were precious days. Things change too quickly. I miss them.”
Twice, in a few days, two unrelated people have reminded me that this time in my kids’ lives is sacred. It will only happen once. And in a few years, I will miss it.
And I had to stop and ask myself, am I missing it now?
Lately, I have felt like I’m absolutely drowning in motherhood. I’m not getting anything right, I lose my patience before breakfast, I don’t feel like I’m making a difference, there is always talking, all of the time, and I feel like I’m suffocating in the sheer presence of little people. That last part is an introvert thing, I’m sure, but it exists. I feel like I can’t get it right, can’t get them to get it right, and just need a break. But I can’t take a break, because they aren’t self-sufficient yet, so I turn the TV on for them, or I turn my computer on, and I try to escape them even though I’m right next to them.
And here I am, trying to escape my kids, when God brings the gentle reminder that I will miss these days. That these days matter.
I could have listened to the lady at Panera and rolled my eyes. I could have told my dad he was looking at the past with rose-colored glasses. This mothering thing is hard, and sometimes I legitimately could use a break. When you’re not in the thick of it, it might look like fun, but it’s 24/7 exhausting.
I didn’t, though. Because, rose-colored glasses or not, there is a wisdom that comes from experience there, and I’d be wise to listen. To take their advice now, when I still have the ability to enjoy and embrace my kids. To give them a childhood that is a solid foundation of faith and family.
And so, I pare down my life again. I re-evaluate my priorities again. I cut back on the things that don’t matter as much, so I have energy to focus on the people who do. I remember my mission as a mom, and spend a little more time in prayer, begging God for the strength and the focus to mother well. Because it takes all of my strength and focus.
And this work of motherhood, above all the other dreams I’ve got swirling around my head, is one thing I want to finish well.
A Few Things I’m Reading That Have Encouraged Me In This Area:
What God Wants For Moms With Young Children | The Better Mom
Maybe It’s Time To Make An Undo List | Emily Freeman for (in)courage
You’ve Done Enough This Week | Holley Gerth
Participate In Grace | Kristin Hill Taylor
The Important Thing About Yelling | Hands Free Mama
On Celebrating The Everyday | Anna Rendell
The Best Yes | Lysa TerKeurst
From Good To Grace | Christine Hoover
Are you weary today? How is motherhood stretching you?
Kayse Pratt serves Christian women as a writer + designer, creating home + life management resources that help those women plan their days around what matters most. She’s created the most unique planner on the market, helped over 400 women create custom home management plans, and works with hundreds of women each month inside her membership, teaching them how to plan their days around what matters most. When she’s not designing printables or writing essays, you’ll find Kayse homeschooling her kids, reading a cheesy novel with a giant cup of tea in hand, or watching an old show from the 90’s with her husband, who is her very best friend.
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been overwhelmed for so long, and I keep feeling hopeless that I simply cannot ‘redeem the time’. I’m just so tired and constantly feeling defeated. But reading this, and a few of your other posts today has given me hope. I realize now that it’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s simply that I’m using it for things that just are distractions. I am in control of my own choices, I don’t have to be a victim of them! It might seem silly but this is really a big revelation to me and I just thank you so much for what a blessing your blog has been to me.
I totally understand. I always struggle with distractions. One day at a time!
THIS. IS. MY. LIFE. I swear you could have been describing how I feel right now. I have a 6 & 3 year old. I am a single mother. I have been blessed to stay home with them this long! But it feels as if I am just drowning in motherhood. I lost me along the way. I am always tired, usually impatient, often crabby, and yell entirely too much. I hear the “I miss those days” and “you’re gonna regret not…” so much. I sometimes catch myself missing these days even while they are going on. I want to be more present, more patient, more involved. I’m just so exhausted…mentally, emotionally, physically. I am trying to slow down and just love them and love this stage in their lives. I am trying to appreciate the little things. I miss my babies being babies. I even miss the late night feedings. I miss all the snuggles (oh how I treasure those when I get them!!!) and I miss the dependence on me. I started realizing that there were so many things that seemed to be “lasts” for me. When was the last time my 6 year old wanted help getting dressed? When was the last time he wanted help brushing his teeth? When was the last time he wanted me to sing him to sleep? When was the last time he needed help in the bathroom? He is growing up right before my eyes and I am missing it! (Yes I may be crying while writing this LOL) Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in this and giving me a reminder to just slow down and appreciate my kids because 1 day, they won’t be my little babies anymore and I will miss this!!!
Just like I look at pregnant woman when I am not pregnant and think how beautiful it is now that I am pregnant with my 4th I am reminded how hard and exhausting it is. I am miserable and just try to enjoy the little moments of cute baby kicks when I can. I’ve been at home with 3 kids (youngest is a 2 year old) all summer long and I’m about to lose my mind. Husband works long hours too. This is not how we as humans are meant to raise children. Alone in our homes. It is tiring and lonely. But there is no village anymore to raise your child. It is just you and your spouse. Just like I forgot how hard it is to be pregnant people forget how hard it is to be a lonely parent. Don’t feel bad about doing what you have to do to survive. There are great moments even on the worst day but there are more difficult moments. It is OK just to survive sometimes.
What a sweet post. Mothering is exhausting and wonderful. I think you captured that perfectly. When I start hearing the same message from several different sources, I always take the message to heart and try to soak it in. I love that the message and will try hard to remember it in my day to day.
Kayse,
Just glancing through the comments above as I scrolled to leave mine, it is so apparent how so “not alone” you are in these feelings. I remember them well. My youngest is now 16 and my oldest is married. I recently started writing to parents of teens and it was like flies to honey. People wanting to identify and be encouraged. Parenting is the one thing we feel like we must get right because these little people depend on it. But it’s not all up to you and you are wise beyond your years to circle back to the source of your strength. God uses the less-than-perfect, the poor choices, and the outright failures to develop character in His children: both you and yours 🙂
Keep swimmin’, sweet sister in Christ. And admit when you’re drowning. As you’ve seen, so many are encouraged by the honesty. And never forget that you aren’t alone in this journey.
Embracing the Journey and looking forward to more of your “TuesTalk posts. You writing is beautiful.
Christi
So I applaud you for taking a step back and not rolling your eyes and saying, “Easy for YOU to say, you’re not living in my messed up moment”, because I used to. I hated hearing those kinds of comments because I just knew they had no idea and were too far removed. Well, I’m there now (mom of four, last one’s almost out of the house, recent Gigi chasing the tiny tornado most days while mama works) and guess what. IT’S ALL TRUE. It’s true that you’re exhausted (I’m exhausted when tornado leaves each evening), and it’s true these are the best years of your life. Live in the moment, Laugh throughout the day at all the funny things they do and say, and Love them like CRAZY. Because it does end and oh, how you miss it (and the good health that comes with youth)! Hang in there, mom. I love what you’re doing here. You’re my people. 🙂
I can totally relate to your post, and my kids are older! I have so much going on right now that I know I am snapping and yelling more than I should. I needed to read this today. Thanks for the great reminders! Visiting from the Tuesday talk linkup.
I remember those days. My kids are the same age span as yours are, and can I just encourage you? Sometimes, we don’t really thoroughly appreciate these years until they are past. When my kids were that age, I was physically exhausted. The one year old that is now mobile but has neither fear nor any sense of self-preservation, is it’s own type of exhaustion! As they get older, the exhaustion shows up in different ways – more emotionally and mentally. Every stage has its challenges and blessings.It’s also okay to need a break, too. ((hugs)).
This will sound totally counter-intuitive, but when I needed a break, I actually invited other people’s kids to my house! I know that sounds crazy, but it usually worked like a charm. The kids would play with each other and I would be able to breathe a little while I watched. Another idea is that once a week 2 other moms and I exchanged kids. They BOTH had twins and I only had a one, but every two weeks, I’d take 5 kids for the morning. The moms would come for them around noon, and we’d all eat lunch together (I usually made mac n cheese). It was totally worth it! While it’s important to realize our blessings, it’s also important to take care of ourselves (including our sanity!). I hope and pray you can find a way to get some breathing room once in a while. 🙂
I so appreciate this. The reminder that we’ll miss these years is such a attitude-changer. Thank you!
What a great reminder! I really needed this today! We just adopted a newborn last week, so we’ve been transitioning from 2 to 3 kids (all under 3.5 years old!). We’re very excited and happy, but it’s exhausting too. Thanks for the inspiration! And thanks for linking up with us today for Tuesday Talk. I’m going to feature this post on our Pinterest board! -Jess
http://www.sweetlittleonesblog.com
Thank you so much for this encouragement. I just love your site. I’m glad to have found you via Tuesday Talk. Thanks for linking up!
Sarah (co-host)
http://www.sarahefrazer.com
My husband works off and we don’t get to see him much except when life slows down enough for us to escape to see him. I’m working towards being able to travel with him full time but for now I take what I can get. I have my 1 yr old and 6 year old constantly and sometimes I feel I’m going to break. I try so hard to just enjoy them but sometimes it seems I’m too weary. Some homeschool days overwhelm me, my 1 year seemsto dig in all things not good for her & i just want to sit and cry but I have learned to pause & pray and ask God to lead me. I don’t want to be known as the mom who expected perfection and yelled when it didn’t happen. I want to extend the same grace God gives me when I fail. God bless! Awesome reminder!
Kayse, you really spoke to my heart with this post. I feel the same way! Thank you for putting what I’m feeling into words sweet friend 🙂 I’m going to feature this post this week for Family Fun Friday!
I could cry reading this because there are some days that this is my story! I think God sends people our way like the sweet lady in Panera to give us little reminders as we are in the trenches that through the weariness to look for the joy and soak it up! I have had to make changes and discipline myself to wake up early for quiet time & a cup of coffee, to turn the computer off when the kids get home etc! Love that you shared your heart! Love your blog, I am now following you! I would love for you to share this over at my new link party Making Memories Mondays going on now!
Cathy
Thanks for this, Kayse. This is exactly where I’m at. I needed the reminder to cherish today.
Finish well. Yes that’s what I would like, to finish well. I completely understand your wanted space and time and freedom and just to be able to “be”. I’m grateful for the reminders to take advantage of this precious time we have with our kids knowing that it’s fleeting. Praying along with you. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I absolutely loved this article, and your other posting on taking on too much. I am SO there right now! I work a few hours a week in our church nursery, run our MOPS ministry, recently started a blog (because I needed one more thing!), and have my two little ones on top of that. All of those extra things I do sometimes overtake the pure and simple joy of being a mother to my beautiful children. They truly are a treasure, but it can be tough to see it when you are knee deep in the everyday.
I think I am going to write this one down, “And here I am, trying to escape my kids, when God brings the gentle reminder that I will miss these days. That these days matter.”
Thank you for passing on his gentle reminder. I needed it today!
I am starting into a season that will be 24/7 exhausting and I feel like I’m having a poor attitude about it right now. I saw many parallels to the life you explained. Minus the stomach virus (sorry…). Super busy husband, a 3.5 year old that can test my patience and completely hands-on, busy one-year old…
This was a great reminder for me today. Thanks!
Praying for endurance for you during this season!
Thank you SO MUCH for this post! I’ve had a lot of those feelings lately and this really touched my heart. I’m glad others can write out the feelings and thoughts in an understandable and encouraging way! Keep it up!
Thank you!
I think we’re all sometimes tired of being a mom..
🙂 Phew. Thank goodness we aren’t alone!
fantabulous. I already miss the baby stage, I have to believe I will miss the two year old stage. I have to believe that God is with me and HE is really the strength and wisdom, not me!
So true. I am so enjoying the toddler season with Nathan but I know 2-3 is coming and that scares me! 😉
Love you, friend. I get this SO MUCH. {{hugs to you!}}
Thank you for this post. I have felt the same way for a while. Being a Mom is exhausting, a night and day 24/7 thing that is gone before I am going to know it. I have twin 4 year old boys who I love to pieces. I am a dairy farmer, wife, Mom and in charge of everything that has to do with the farm and my house(personal stuff). Some days I just want to crawl into a space that is all mine and nobody can find me, so I can have that cup of coffee in silence. Or I want to sleep the entire night from start to end as 3:30 am comes way too early, but I don’t know what I would do without someone yelling at me because they can’t find their teddy bear or needs a drink of water at 1:30am. When life gets me down and I think I am going to drown in it all I have to remind myself that in a few years they wont need me to be doing all this stuff for them. They will be driving that tractor without me and I will be sitting here asking myself where did time go. Thank you so much for these words, I am glad I am not alone on this journey call life.
Oh, I know that drowning feeling. I’m proud of you for hearing the lady in Panera and your dad. I’m proud of your for always being willing to learn how to do life better. You encourage other mommas (me!) so well. AND thanks for including my post up there. xoxo
Thanks friend. And I loved your post!!