The Best Homemaking Advice I’ve Gotten. Ever.
I sat down with two baskets of clean laundry, folded exactly two shirts and one pair of socks. That’s when he started screaming.
Night terrors run in our family, but Nathan gets them during naptime. Some days, he sleeps just fine. But most days, he’ll sleep for maybe 20 minutes, then wake up about halfway, violently throwing his body around, stamping his feet, and swinging at me. It takes a good ten minutes to calm him down and fully wake him up, and then he’s glued to my side for the next hour. Literally plastered against my side. And honestly, the only thing that really calms him down is watching Little Einsteins.
So that’s what my afternoons look like now. Where I once owned naptime, using that time to clean and blog like nobody’s business, I now sit on the couch, sing about how I love red balloons, and pat-pat-pat my hands on my lap while Rocket blasts off.
None of this bothers me. Just the opposite, really – I love these moments cuddling with my little man, and calming him down the way only I can. It’s time I won’t get back with him, and I treasure it.
But on the logistical side of things, let’s just say that this new afternoon routine of ours has had a somewhat detrimental effect on the cleanliness of my house.
I have a hard time keeping up with cleaning anyways, but these days I’ve fallen pretty far behind. Oh we have clean clothes, mind you, they just aren’t folded. We have clean plates, but that’s because I’ve resorted to using pretty paper plates about half the time. The playroom is clean two days a week – the two days that our (amazing, wonderful, priceless) babysitter comes.
I could feel guilty about this. Some days I do. But in this season, there’s only so much I can do with the 24 hours I have in a day, and I’m learning to accept that. And instead of trying to do EVERYTHING (and failing), I’m focusing on a few important things that bring peace to our home, even when it’s not spotless.
I was chatting with a friend last week, all about cleaning & homemaking & not being able to do it all, and she reminded me of the 3 Things Rule. I’d gotten away from using it in the last year or so, but I brought it back after we chatted, and it’s made a huge difference.
Here’s the rule: Instead of trying to manage everything perfectly, ask your husband what 3 things he would most appreciate when he comes home each night, and do those.
This might seem like NOT ENOUGH, but it is actually incredibly impactful!
See, the things your husband most appreciates might not be the things you think they will be! And if you’re trying to do what you THINK he’d like, or what would make YOU the most happy, you might be missing what he really appreciates. And if your husband comes home feeling appreciated and peaceful, the rest of the evening tends to go better – you’re not fighting, he’s not criticizing, and all of the things you didn’t get to don’t seem like such a big deal.
That was definitely the case with us! I asked Jon what 3 things he would appreciate most when he comes home each night, and his answers surprised me. He most appreciates it when…
- I greet him at the door with a smile, a kiss, and a positive attitude.
- He gets a little time to decompress when he gets home.
- We have a plan for the night.
Look at that list. It’s SO different from what I thought it would be! I had a list of my own in my head: laundry, dishes, tidying, blogging, playing with the kids, reading, cooking dinner… and I wasn’t possibly getting it all done by the time he came home each night. When I didn’t accomplish everything, I felt stressed and behind and I wouldn’t stop to greet Jon at the door. I certainly didn’t have a good attitude.
And since I felt behind, I’d try to put him to work as soon as he walked in the door. No time to waste – I NEEDED HELP. I wouldn’t have a plan for the night, since my plan for the day didn’t work out, and I’d just end up barking at everyone, or losing my patience when people didn’t read my mind. And our evenings ended up stressed and tense and often ended in fighting.
I’d been doing exactly the opposite of what Jon was hoping for.
Oops…
So, I have started trying to put his list ahead of my own, and surprisingly, our evenings are going so much better. Our house might not be spotless, and sometimes the clothes wait a little longer to get folded and put in their drawers, but our relationships are stronger, we’re getting along better, and we’re all having a little more fun at home each day.
The thing is, I just don’t feel so stressed about all the things I’m not doing, when I know that I AM doing the things my husband cares about.
There are seasons when everything simply can’t get done. We’re raising littles who consume our time and attention, we’re working from home or out of the home, we’re caring for an elderly parent while shuttling teenagers around to every activity under the sun, or we’re dealing with night terrors and watching too much Little Einsteins… Some seasons simply can’t sustain ALL THE THINGS.
When these seasons hit, I’ve learned that sticking with the 3 Things Rule helps maintain a strong marriage, a sane momma, and a happy husband.
So it’s your turn! Ask your husband today what 3 things he’d appreciate the most when he comes home each day. I’d love to hear what his answer is! (And what you thought it would be!)
Share in the comments below!!
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Kayse Pratt serves Christian women as a writer + designer, creating home + life management resources that help those women plan their days around what matters most. She’s created the most unique planner on the market, helped over 400 women create custom home management plans, and works with hundreds of women each month inside her membership, teaching them how to plan their days around what matters most. When she’s not designing printables or writing essays, you’ll find Kayse homeschooling her kids, reading a cheesy novel with a giant cup of tea in hand, or watching an old show from the 90’s with her husband, who is her very best friend.
So I’ve read this idea a few times but was too nervous to ask him till tonight. He asked me “what do you mean?” So I explained the concept and then he asked me, “Is this like a quiz?” 😅. After giving examples and explaining further he said the only thing he could think of, was he would like to wash his hands before being bombarded by our kids, we have 2 toddlers who get very excited when he comes home. Definitely not the answer I was expecting, and feeling very blessed, and a lot less anxious.
I love that! Way to be brave and get the conversation going!
I’m really too chicken to ask this. With a 5, 6, and 7 years old plus taking care of my mom who has lung cancer ….oh yeah and working myself I’ve become a TERRIBLE housekeeper (and wife, let’s be honest). I’m afraid my husband’s list would be 1) a spotless house, 2) quiet, content kids off to themselves somewhere and 3) me waiting in lingerie when he comes home. 😛 But I’ll ask and see hopefully it doesn’t cause even more trouble from unmet expectations.
This may be a weird take on ur post but im a single mum so i couldnt ask my hubby for his list. But i decided to apply it to a different area of my life. My son has asd and adhd and his school life has been a nightmare with suspensions left right and centre. So im going to sit him down and instead of just giving him my expectations im going to ask him what would help him be more productive at school. Then we can line up the expectations and hopefully come up with a plan. It was an interesting take, to think of it from his point of view and im not sure why I hadn’t thought of it before especially since asd children often get set off by obstacles we dnt see or understand. Thanks for the change of perspective.
I’m afraid to ask. When my boys were in diapers (3 all 10 months apart) it was bed made, clean clothes, and dinner started, he was working 6am-6pm. Now the boys are 6 , 6 & 7, I work part time, he works 2 jobs, both remotely from home and I’m doing a horrible job keeping up with the house. I still make the bed, but that’s about it.
I thought the list would be incredibly discouraging, chores or something
He said
1. A hug and a kiss
2. Tell him I’m happy to see him
3. Ask about his day
So. Easy. It seems too easy! How lucky am I that’s all he asks!
I asked my husband what 3 things he would appreciate when he gets home each day. I could seem him start to squirm; I think he thought it was some kind of trap. But I also think there are a lot more than 3 things he would like when he gets home. He took several hours thinking about it and decided on the following:
1. A happy wife greets him at the door
2. Dinner is nearly done and sometimes the table is set fancy (with candles)
3. The kids are content and quiet
I told him I would strive to do these three things. The dinner one is a little tricky because he gets home pretty early at 4:30ish only half hour after I pick up the children from school. But he works hard all day and has a long drive home. I want him to feel like home is the best place to be.
My response from my hubby:
I can’t think of anything that I expect to be done when I get home; especially because we both work and our hours can vary from day to day. Nothing like the house needs to be clean or dinner needs to be ready. I do appreciate the fact that I have a home and that most of the time you’re all there. I think (aside from cooking dinner) it would be nice if we could just relax after work. It would be nice if you were done with your work day when I get home, but I know that’s not always possible. I can think of more things concerning the kids helping out around the house without us asking.
My husband said as long as there is sweet tea in the fridge and clean underwear in his drawer, he’s okay…and I think I can do that! 🙂
Wow you’ve got a winner of a husband!!
Love this article. I asked my husband, his answer… “Uh I don’t know. Just be in a good mood.” LOL I totally needed this reminder that it is OK that there are dishes left in the sick, and laundry still in the dryer. I’m running around with my head cut off and nobody even cares but me. I think stay-at-home moms are just notorious for stressing over nothing… oops. Thanks! 🙂
I guess this only applies to stay at home wives/mothers. I work 40 hours a week and my husband works 28-32. We have a 3 month old and I’m still expected to do it all. His days off are exactly that, his days off! What about me!? Oh, that’s right, I’m the woman…we’re supposed to do it all!
I’m so sorry. 🙁 You’ve probably already done this, but maybe you can sit down with your husband and divy up chores. If you’re both working full time, home chores should be shared, in my opinion!
I saw a very cute and hopefully not passive-aggressive solution: Make a 4 column list. Column One: Indoor chores, and list them all, by daily, then weekly, then monthly, and “sometimes”, Columns 2 & 3 are “who did it?” with “He did” and “She did” respectively and boxes to check for each chore. Column Four: Outside the house Chores, and list everything, including yardwork but also grocery shopping, schlepping kiddos, etc. Ask for hubby to make sure all his hard work is represented. then post in a central location (not on his turf). Maybe add the “Worked full work day” so that one is checked on both sides. You’ll have to gauge how he’ll handle it. Sometimes, seeing it on the list is different than nagging, Also, thank him, thank him, thank him. I want to say this was from Dating Divas…
I have to say, it is super-hard when you both work outside the home. Sometimes he’s home when I get home, sometimes he’s not. But if it gets washed, cleaned, cooked, or put away, I am typically the one who does it. He does mow the grass and takes out the trash sometimes.
The best advice I ever got is “done is better than perfect.” That’s how I view home stuff, even when it drives me batty to see things that I know are “not right” but at least they’re technically done.
Night terrors can be caused by being too hot when you sleep. It took me years to figure this out.
Hope this helps!
My husband said, “Wow! Who is that woman (that suggested this)? She deserves a prize!” You are impacting our lives! Thank you!!!!
I will get his answers soon… we have guests currently. But obviously he’s going to be excited to tell me! Haha! Thanks again!!!!
Hello..have you tried testing out eliminating different foods from his diet? Sometimes allergies to food can cause these. I figured out with my son that food colorings and processed foods were the culprit. I had to read food labels constantly but it was worth it. My son would do the same thing and even now at 15 almost 16 he will if he eats or drinks something he shouldn’t. Just thought I would add this in case anyone hasn’t.
I’m so relieved to read this! My little man has night terrors and its all I can do to get things done while dealing with that and My part time job. I’ve so wanted to start a blog but I haven’t had the time. Thanks for putting things into perspective for me
I pray the night terrors pass soon! We dealt with that with our oldest – it’s such a trying time! <3
I think I’d look into homeopathy with a naturalist.
*sigh* being a full time worker and my husband a 7 day a week farmer I think I need to ask my husband and myself this question. However, I usually get home after my husband. For me it is no TV on, washing in off the line and the dishwasher unpacked. I’ll have to ask my husband tonight!
I’m definitely going to ask. Things are so off the wall anymore, I can’t really explain right here right now but we definitely need some peace in our house soon!
I have only recently discovered your blog. I am finding inspiration in it daily as I explore. My husband’s love language is acts of service (11 out of 12 possible points) and short of working myself to death day and night, I have no idea how to speak that love language. I thought the idea of asking him what 3 things he would most enjoy was a wonderful idea. I still think it’s a wonderful Idea, however, it was an epic fail for me. When I asked my husband, his response was to 1) laugh at me and then 2) ask where did that come from? Pinterest? Needless to say, I’m a little (LOT) down about things today.
Oh, I’m so sorry! Maybe just make your best guess? What a bummer. 🙁 Not the response you were hoping for!
My husband sounds very similar to yours! I hadn’t ever heard about this idea before, but I actually had the same conversation with my husband last year. His first response was “have the house clean” but after a little digging I learned that the number one spot that he likes to have clear is our kitchen island. Clutter there makes him anxious. Okay, that’s doable. So for him, it’s a clear kitchen island, having his clothes for work clean and ironed, and having dinner handled. Try to figure out another way to talk to him to get even the number one thing for him. You can probably sleuth out the other two on your own if you pay attention. Good luck!
My hubs, too. “Clean kitchen counter and dinner”. 🙂
As far as dinner, before Pinterest, I would ask about 6-7 ladies over for lunch and they had to bring 5 of their FAV go to entree recipes. We’ve moved 7 times since 1997, so each new neighborhood brings tons of new recipes. Give it a try, you just might meet your next best friend! I did!
I would ask him again, so that he knows it’s important, to you, that you do the things he needs done. I will pray for you, Marie!
Wow… You’re lucky. My husband’s list of things that’ll make him happy is your list…
What great advice! I did something similar in asking which area of the house is most important to keep clean. It has helped us greatly. Did you know night terrors can sometimes be caused by a vitamin deficiency?
Yes, I’ve heard that too!!
We had trouble with night terrors. Our pediatrician had us wake our son, not completely, just enough to disturb his sleep pattern, 5 minutes before the terrors would start. We did it 3 nights in a row and he never had night terrors again. You just have to reset his sleep pattern. 🙂
This is such amazing advice! I was getting so stressed thinking that I did not have enough time in the day to do all the work that I put on my shoulders. I asked my husband what top three things he would like me to do, and he only gave me one! Empty the dishwasher. That takes 5 minutes! I didn’t realize how appreciative he is of this one little task but knowing this makes my life so much easier. Now I do it first thing, and every other chore feels like a burst of awesome productivity!
Hi! I think this is brilliant! We can’t read our spouse’s mind, so we probably shouldn’t assume. 🙂
Also, my daughter recently started having night terrors during naps. She’s had night terrors at night in the past, but it was only while she was getting her molars in. A friend suggested it may be a food allergy. One of the foods on the list that may cause a behavioral allergic reaction like that was oranges. We had recently introduced that into her diet. I stopped giving her that and they went away. It may not be your son’s trigger, but I just figured it wouldn’t hurt to share our story.
This is great advice Kayse. I know that I feel like I should be doing SO MUCH MORE when it comes to cleaning house, but like you, there just doesn’t seem to be the time or energy for it right now. My husband and I have talked about this before because I feel like I’m letting him down. But he does understand and you’re right– his priorities are different that what I project on him. Being on the same page about things really does help to keep our home more peaceful, even if there are still dust bunnies lingering in the corners.
Kayse, how old is your little buddy? He may not be old enough for it but have you talked to his doctor about possibly giving him a small dose of melatonin at nap time and a normal dose (for his weight/age) at bed time? Also, have you tried diffusing essential oils in his room or wherever he sleeps (my son sleeps with us, so we have a large diffuser in our room. He sleeps in my lap at nap time so there is a smaller one by our chair). You can use lavender or vervain. There are others for anxiety that may help relax his mind. Also, letting him watch a short and calm cartoon can help. My son has trouble sleeping as well. While these aren’t guaranteed to work, they do seem to help.