1. So I’ve read this idea a few times but was too nervous to ask him till tonight. He asked me “what do you mean?” So I explained the concept and then he asked me, “Is this like a quiz?” 😅. After giving examples and explaining further he said the only thing he could think of, was he would like to wash his hands before being bombarded by our kids, we have 2 toddlers who get very excited when he comes home. Definitely not the answer I was expecting, and feeling very blessed, and a lot less anxious.

    1. I love that! Way to be brave and get the conversation going!

  2. I’m really too chicken to ask this. With a 5, 6, and 7 years old plus taking care of my mom who has lung cancer ….oh yeah and working myself I’ve become a TERRIBLE housekeeper (and wife, let’s be honest). I’m afraid my husband’s list would be 1) a spotless house, 2) quiet, content kids off to themselves somewhere and 3) me waiting in lingerie when he comes home. 😛 But I’ll ask and see hopefully it doesn’t cause even more trouble from unmet expectations.

  3. This may be a weird take on ur post but im a single mum so i couldnt ask my hubby for his list. But i decided to apply it to a different area of my life. My son has asd and adhd and his school life has been a nightmare with suspensions left right and centre. So im going to sit him down and instead of just giving him my expectations im going to ask him what would help him be more productive at school. Then we can line up the expectations and hopefully come up with a plan. It was an interesting take, to think of it from his point of view and im not sure why I hadn’t thought of it before especially since asd children often get set off by obstacles we dnt see or understand. Thanks for the change of perspective.

  4. I’m afraid to ask. When my boys were in diapers (3 all 10 months apart) it was bed made, clean clothes, and dinner started, he was working 6am-6pm. Now the boys are 6 , 6 & 7, I work part time, he works 2 jobs, both remotely from home and I’m doing a horrible job keeping up with the house. I still make the bed, but that’s about it.

  5. Stephanie says:

    I thought the list would be incredibly discouraging, chores or something
    He said
    1. A hug and a kiss
    2. Tell him I’m happy to see him
    3. Ask about his day

    So. Easy. It seems too easy! How lucky am I that’s all he asks!

  6. Elisabeth says:

    I asked my husband what 3 things he would appreciate when he gets home each day. I could seem him start to squirm; I think he thought it was some kind of trap. But I also think there are a lot more than 3 things he would like when he gets home. He took several hours thinking about it and decided on the following:

    1. A happy wife greets him at the door
    2. Dinner is nearly done and sometimes the table is set fancy (with candles)
    3. The kids are content and quiet

    I told him I would strive to do these three things. The dinner one is a little tricky because he gets home pretty early at 4:30ish only half hour after I pick up the children from school. But he works hard all day and has a long drive home. I want him to feel like home is the best place to be.

  7. My response from my hubby:

    I can’t think of anything that I expect to be done when I get home; especially because we both work and our hours can vary from day to day. Nothing like the house needs to be clean or dinner needs to be ready. I do appreciate the fact that I have a home and that most of the time you’re all there. I think (aside from cooking dinner) it would be nice if we could just relax after work. It would be nice if you were done with your work day when I get home, but I know that’s not always possible. I can think of more things concerning the kids helping out around the house without us asking.

  8. Brittany Brown says:

    My husband said as long as there is sweet tea in the fridge and clean underwear in his drawer, he’s okay…and I think I can do that! 🙂

    1. Wow you’ve got a winner of a husband!!

  9. Love this article. I asked my husband, his answer… “Uh I don’t know. Just be in a good mood.” LOL I totally needed this reminder that it is OK that there are dishes left in the sick, and laundry still in the dryer. I’m running around with my head cut off and nobody even cares but me. I think stay-at-home moms are just notorious for stressing over nothing… oops. Thanks! 🙂

  10. I guess this only applies to stay at home wives/mothers. I work 40 hours a week and my husband works 28-32. We have a 3 month old and I’m still expected to do it all. His days off are exactly that, his days off! What about me!? Oh, that’s right, I’m the woman…we’re supposed to do it all!

    1. I’m so sorry. 🙁 You’ve probably already done this, but maybe you can sit down with your husband and divy up chores. If you’re both working full time, home chores should be shared, in my opinion!

      1. Ellen Franklin says:

        I saw a very cute and hopefully not passive-aggressive solution: Make a 4 column list. Column One: Indoor chores, and list them all, by daily, then weekly, then monthly, and “sometimes”, Columns 2 & 3 are “who did it?” with “He did” and “She did” respectively and boxes to check for each chore. Column Four: Outside the house Chores, and list everything, including yardwork but also grocery shopping, schlepping kiddos, etc. Ask for hubby to make sure all his hard work is represented. then post in a central location (not on his turf). Maybe add the “Worked full work day” so that one is checked on both sides. You’ll have to gauge how he’ll handle it. Sometimes, seeing it on the list is different than nagging, Also, thank him, thank him, thank him. I want to say this was from Dating Divas…

    2. I have to say, it is super-hard when you both work outside the home. Sometimes he’s home when I get home, sometimes he’s not. But if it gets washed, cleaned, cooked, or put away, I am typically the one who does it. He does mow the grass and takes out the trash sometimes.

      The best advice I ever got is “done is better than perfect.” That’s how I view home stuff, even when it drives me batty to see things that I know are “not right” but at least they’re technically done.

  11. Night terrors can be caused by being too hot when you sleep. It took me years to figure this out.

    Hope this helps!

  12. Cynthia Jones says:

    My husband said, “Wow! Who is that woman (that suggested this)? She deserves a prize!” You are impacting our lives! Thank you!!!!

    1. Cynthia Jones says:

      I will get his answers soon… we have guests currently. But obviously he’s going to be excited to tell me! Haha! Thanks again!!!!

  13. Hello..have you tried testing out eliminating different foods from his diet? Sometimes allergies to food can cause these. I figured out with my son that food colorings and processed foods were the culprit. I had to read food labels constantly but it was worth it. My son would do the same thing and even now at 15 almost 16 he will if he eats or drinks something he shouldn’t. Just thought I would add this in case anyone hasn’t.

  14. I’m so relieved to read this! My little man has night terrors and its all I can do to get things done while dealing with that and My part time job. I’ve so wanted to start a blog but I haven’t had the time. Thanks for putting things into perspective for me

    1. I pray the night terrors pass soon! We dealt with that with our oldest – it’s such a trying time! <3

      1. Cindy Woods says:

        I think I’d look into homeopathy with a naturalist.

  15. *sigh* being a full time worker and my husband a 7 day a week farmer I think I need to ask my husband and myself this question. However, I usually get home after my husband. For me it is no TV on, washing in off the line and the dishwasher unpacked. I’ll have to ask my husband tonight!

  16. I’m definitely going to ask. Things are so off the wall anymore, I can’t really explain right here right now but we definitely need some peace in our house soon!

  17. I have only recently discovered your blog. I am finding inspiration in it daily as I explore. My husband’s love language is acts of service (11 out of 12 possible points) and short of working myself to death day and night, I have no idea how to speak that love language. I thought the idea of asking him what 3 things he would most enjoy was a wonderful idea. I still think it’s a wonderful Idea, however, it was an epic fail for me. When I asked my husband, his response was to 1) laugh at me and then 2) ask where did that come from? Pinterest? Needless to say, I’m a little (LOT) down about things today.

    1. Oh, I’m so sorry! Maybe just make your best guess? What a bummer. 🙁 Not the response you were hoping for!

    2. My husband sounds very similar to yours! I hadn’t ever heard about this idea before, but I actually had the same conversation with my husband last year. His first response was “have the house clean” but after a little digging I learned that the number one spot that he likes to have clear is our kitchen island. Clutter there makes him anxious. Okay, that’s doable. So for him, it’s a clear kitchen island, having his clothes for work clean and ironed, and having dinner handled. Try to figure out another way to talk to him to get even the number one thing for him. You can probably sleuth out the other two on your own if you pay attention. Good luck!

      1. My hubs, too. “Clean kitchen counter and dinner”. 🙂
        As far as dinner, before Pinterest, I would ask about 6-7 ladies over for lunch and they had to bring 5 of their FAV go to entree recipes. We’ve moved 7 times since 1997, so each new neighborhood brings tons of new recipes. Give it a try, you just might meet your next best friend! I did!

    3. I would ask him again, so that he knows it’s important, to you, that you do the things he needs done. I will pray for you, Marie!

  18. Wow… You’re lucky. My husband’s list of things that’ll make him happy is your list…

  19. What great advice! I did something similar in asking which area of the house is most important to keep clean. It has helped us greatly. Did you know night terrors can sometimes be caused by a vitamin deficiency?

  20. We had trouble with night terrors. Our pediatrician had us wake our son, not completely, just enough to disturb his sleep pattern, 5 minutes before the terrors would start. We did it 3 nights in a row and he never had night terrors again. You just have to reset his sleep pattern. 🙂

  21. This is such amazing advice! I was getting so stressed thinking that I did not have enough time in the day to do all the work that I put on my shoulders. I asked my husband what top three things he would like me to do, and he only gave me one! Empty the dishwasher. That takes 5 minutes! I didn’t realize how appreciative he is of this one little task but knowing this makes my life so much easier. Now I do it first thing, and every other chore feels like a burst of awesome productivity!

  22. Kathryn R. says:

    Hi! I think this is brilliant! We can’t read our spouse’s mind, so we probably shouldn’t assume. 🙂
    Also, my daughter recently started having night terrors during naps. She’s had night terrors at night in the past, but it was only while she was getting her molars in. A friend suggested it may be a food allergy. One of the foods on the list that may cause a behavioral allergic reaction like that was oranges. We had recently introduced that into her diet. I stopped giving her that and they went away. It may not be your son’s trigger, but I just figured it wouldn’t hurt to share our story.

  23. This is great advice Kayse. I know that I feel like I should be doing SO MUCH MORE when it comes to cleaning house, but like you, there just doesn’t seem to be the time or energy for it right now. My husband and I have talked about this before because I feel like I’m letting him down. But he does understand and you’re right– his priorities are different that what I project on him. Being on the same page about things really does help to keep our home more peaceful, even if there are still dust bunnies lingering in the corners.

  24. Kayse, how old is your little buddy? He may not be old enough for it but have you talked to his doctor about possibly giving him a small dose of melatonin at nap time and a normal dose (for his weight/age) at bed time? Also, have you tried diffusing essential oils in his room or wherever he sleeps (my son sleeps with us, so we have a large diffuser in our room. He sleeps in my lap at nap time so there is a smaller one by our chair). You can use lavender or vervain. There are others for anxiety that may help relax his mind. Also, letting him watch a short and calm cartoon can help. My son has trouble sleeping as well. While these aren’t guaranteed to work, they do seem to help.

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