The One Where She is Sick, and I’m Not Supermom
It’s 9am on Sunday morning, but it feels a little bit more like 3am.
We spent a while in the ER last night (this morning?) with Emmy, because she’s fighting an infection and her fever keeps spiking, despite the rather constant use of tylenol, motrin, and oils. Plus antibiotics.
$100 and a teary toddler later, we were told to just wait it out.
I will bite my tongue about that lovely piece of advice for now, and talk about something else.
I’m learning a few things right now.
First, getting up every few hours to check a fever, give meds and maybe a bath, is exhausting. Probably accentuated by the fact that I’m pregnant and already tired, but exhausting nonetheless.
Second, having a sick child (one who is rarely, if ever, sick) turns me into some sort of hyper-attentive, over-protective, single-minded mommy-monster. I may have hovering issues. But in my mind, at this time, they are justified.
Third, having a sick kid is one way to brutally reveal whether or not a person really trusts the Lord. Let’s just say my results leave much to be desired. Emmy’s fever blows into the dangerous range and I turn into a mommy robot, stripping clothes and running baths and ordering people (um… sorry, honey) around. I want to fix this, and fix it now. I consult the internet and the nurse advice line and friend’s opinions before I ever bring it before the Lord. I ask other people to pray because I don’t have time to do it myself, I’m taking care of my kid. My kid that I’ve already almost lost once and cannot possibly think of losing again.
Because that’s where my mind goes when she is sick. This sick. It goes right to losing her, and I wonder if that is the case for every mother, or if I just still remember the gut-wrenching pain of losing my own mom to sickness and desperately fear losing my child too? Because if it’s possible, I love her even more, and I could. not. deal. with. that.
Except that deep down I know that I could, if I had to, because I’ve walked the path of loss before and I know it now. But I don’t want to. It terrifies me.
And I’m seeing that when I’m terrified I turn inward instead of upward and I still have a lot to learn, actually.
It’s just a fever. It will probably go away for good in a few long days, and I’ll have my active girl back and wonder when I will get a few minutes of peace and quiet in between the questions and the comments and the constant conversation.
But today, it’s got me broken. Broken, realizing how little I can actually control what happens to her, or to me. And how fragile my faith still is when it all comes down to it.
I am grateful for a God who doesn’t judge that, but picks me up where I am and offers to walk forward with me.
And now I’m off to check foreheads and give meds and apply oils and try my best to look up instead of freak out.
If you are a mom of a chronically ill child, I want to cry for you. And then give you a hug and the biggest superhero cape I can imagine. And buy you some ice cream, or give you a few hours to sleep in peace, or something equally wonderful. When I’m not thinking about ways to reduce a fever, I’m thinking about you, and how for some of you this is everyday life, and my heart breaks for you. You are strong in ways I can’t even imagine.
Kayse is a wife, mom, and founder of the Anchored Women community. She writes to help women fight busy, find rest, and build a life that’s anchored in Christ. Kayse is also the creator of the S.O.S. Planner, the Anchored Life Kit, and other practical resources that equip women to manage their homes and families in confidence. You can find her writing and her resources at anchored-women.com!
A sick child is one of the most stressful things in a mom’s life. Even now – the mom of a 20 year old and a 14 year old, when my kids are sick, I am too. I pray God will calm your fears and replace them with peace that only He can give.
Bless you 🙂
I have nightmares about my healthy (please God) son all the time, for some reason not my princess. Maybe because he has gut wrenching asthma occassionally and has a side effect reaction to the ventolin which makes him run, which when he can barely breathe is a nightmare.
I am so impressed that you can even think about asking God for help in your situation, that is a good thing, knowing you need to do that. I can’t think of anything else when my kids are ill.
Your husband is probably grateful to be bossed about because it means he knows how to help and I expect this is eating him up as well.
I think Bethany is right that it is amazing God trusts us with this vulnerable, fragile, easily damaged people when we aren’t perfect ourselves.
Love you…love your heart…your honesty…and your centered focus on what really matters…that God’s got this…you, her…in His hands. <3
I am praying for you and your daughter. I think it’s every mom’s fear that they will lose their child. It’s not always our first response to let go and look to God. He understands our weaknesses. I am asking Him to surround you with peace and asking Him to flood your daughter’s body with healing. Hugs!
I’m so sorry… I really feel for you! My oldest daughter had thrush when my second was only a couple weeks old, so I can empathize with your misery. Isn’t it amazing how much our Father trusts to our care? It’s overwhelming sometimes. Praying for you today!