Finding Contentment as a Mom in a World of Comparison
I got a few emails this week. Here’s what the subject lines screamed at me:
- “HOW TO GET YOUR FIRST 10,000 READERS & MAKE MORE MONEY NOW!”
- “THIS ONE STRATEGY COULD TAKE YOUR BLOG TO THE NEXT LEVEL!”
- “OVERCOME YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS!”
I’m a blogger, so these kinds of emails are normal. But this week, and for a while lately, if I’m honest, they just feel like a lot of pressure to do more and be better. They play into the underlying current of a culture that says I’m not doing enough.
I’m a wife and I’m a mom and I’m a blogger. With just those 3 things, I basically already need 6 more hours in the day, just to get done everything I need to get done. (6 more hours when the kids are ASLEEP. Let’s be specific.) It’s a lot.
Still, I struggle with the feeling that I need to achieve more in order to count for anything at all.
Before Jon and kids and writing, I was a try-hard girl. A straight-A girl. A good-at-everything girl. (Except for sports. I have never been good at sports.) I am driven and a hard worker, and I like to be the best, quite honestly. I want to do things well, and I grew up loving the affirmation I got when I achieved things.
(That’s not pretty, but there it is.)
This drive to achieve is all well and good when it comes to school and grades and landing a job and teaching classrooms of students, but the desire to be the best, with the goal of affirmation & validation, does not translate well into motherhood.
As a mom, many things I do go unnoticed. Most things, actually. There is very little affirmation or validation from the tiny people at my feet. It’s a lot like going to work every day and getting ignored. If I’m honest, motherhood often leaves me feeling empty and used up, instead of accomplished and proud. And so, I sometimes find myself searching those good feelings out elsewhere.
For me, that’s often blogging. Writing a post, crafting a new product, developing a new idea or a different way to do something – I LOVE THAT STUFF. I get feedback on what I’m doing, and hear whether or not my work is making a difference in people’s lives. With blogging & writing, it’s easier for me to feel like I’m doing something that’s worthwhile. Motherhood doesn’t always feel that way.
Maybe blogging isn’t your thing, but I bet you know what I mean. I bet you’ve got something that feeds you in a way that motherhood doesn’t. And I would also guess that it’s hard for you to find contentment in motherhood when this other shiny thing over here looks so great.
Because there are people out there who look like they’re rocking life, and balancing all of their spinning plates well, and seem to have it all together. The ones who run million dollar businesses from behind their computers, or the ones who have started a ministry out of their homes and are changing the world, or the ones who lost all of their baby weight before they left the hospital and are now leading teams of people to do the same.
It seems like everyone has a cause, a purpose, a “thing”. They are making a difference and doing things that matter, and I’m just over here hoping that my kids nap long enough for me to eat lunch today. I look at all they’ve accomplished, and I end up feeling like I need a “thing” too.
So I think about it. A lot. I could be a full time blogger. I could work 40+ hours a week and build this place into something that supports my family and brings my husband home from work and hopefully impacts the world for Jesus. I could pay off our debt and we could travel around the world and I could make all of our dreams come true with my own two hands. I could do that. If I read all of those emails and took all the courses and worked really hard, I could do that.
And I might get that affirmation I’ve been craving, and the straight-A student in me would be proud of myself, and if my numbers were a little bigger and our bank account was a little larger and my home was a little nicer, maybe I’d feel like I accomplished something.
But I am slowly learning this thing God is teaching me, over and over again. That life is not about what I accomplish and what I can prove and what the world thinks about me. It’s all about who God is, and how His Gospel impacts my heart and my home and my family. There are truly only a few things that matter. Loving my family well. Staying in the Word. Growing in Him.
Against every try-hard, achieve-it-all bone in my body, I am realizing that while some women are meant to lead movements and inspire change and accomplish great things, my “thing” is this:
Small and Faithful.
Small and faithful. Do you know what the small and faithful things are in my life? Doing the dishes. Reading to my kids. Making dinner. Giving Jon my full attention. Looking into my kids’s eyes when they are talking. Washing the laundry. Journaling. Reading the Bible.
Do you know how much affirmation I get for doing those things? Very little.
Do you know how much money I make doing those things? Not one single penny.
Do you know how much motherhood grates against my desire to be efficient & productive? A lot. A WHOLE LOT.
As much as I love my lists, the small and faithful acts of motherhood are not boxes that can be checked off, or projects that can be completed and given a grade. The tasks of a homemaker are not one and done – they are repetitive, menial, and seemingly mindless. They do not satisfy my flesh, or satiate my craving of feeling important and accomplished. They are not fun, or exciting, or newsworthy. I do not get a grade, or a gold star, or a pat on the back.
(Sometimes I get a pat on the bootie, but we all know that is NOT what we’re talking about here.) 😉
And so, I struggle. Because I want to be content in my roles at home, but they do not fulfill me like I thought they would. And I’m tempted, always tempted, to chase after other things that might.
My quiet times lately have kept me sitting in Matthew. One verse, in particular. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Matthew reminds us that we cannot say we serve God, and still chase after something else.
No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
Matthew 6:24
I cannot fully submit to Christ if I am focused on what I don’t have, trying to fill my own empty places with something bigger & better than what I have right now. I can pursue what it looks like everyone else has, or I can find contentment here, where He has me right now. I have a choice to make.
When I’m stuck in comparison, struggling to find contentment in the beautifully simple life God’s given me, I go back to His Word, and remind myself of what He says is important…
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” – Deuteronomy 6:5-7
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” – Titus 2:3-5
“…you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another. But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands…” – 1 Thessalonians 4:9-11
“Christ, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” – Philippians 2:6-8
It seems like small and faithful is a pretty big deal to God.
I’d be lying if I said it’s not a struggle. The struggle is very, very real. I struggle to follow where God leads, instead of forging my own way. I struggle to stay content in the more-than-enough that I have, instead of figuring out a way to get the things she has that I want. I struggle to be confident in my vocation as a wife and a mom, in a culture that constantly tells me that I should be doing more.
The Bible tells me, though, that it is enough. It’s enough to slow down and forget about keeping up with the Joneses. It’s enough to let the gospel sink deeply and firmly into my soul. It’s enough to teach that gospel to my children, to live it out with my husband, to serve humbly and live quietly and love faithfully.
It’s enough, because HE IS ENOUGH.
I can use up my life trying to prove my worth, or I can spend my life talking about how worthy He is. In my home, in my writing, and in my relationships.
Small and faithful.
Because no accomplishment, no dollar amount, no list with all the boxes checked off, will ever fill me the way that Christ does. And so, I’ll believe what He says over any of the rest of it, and I’ll find rest in refusing to indulge the comparison that kills our souls and steals our focus from where it should be.
On Him first, and then those loved ones He’s graciously given to us.
Small and faithful. That’s enough.
Who’s with me?
Kayse Pratt serves Christian women as a writer + designer, creating home + life management resources that help those women plan their days around what matters most. She’s created the most unique planner on the market, helped over 400 women create custom home management plans, and works with hundreds of women each month inside her membership, teaching them how to plan their days around what matters most. When she’s not designing printables or writing essays, you’ll find Kayse homeschooling her kids, reading a cheesy novel with a giant cup of tea in hand, or watching an old show from the 90’s with her husband, who is her very best friend.
WOW, Kayse!!
what a wonderfully honest and connecting chat…I feel like you knew at that moment you wrote those words about struggling to find accomplishment and achievement in your home that the rest of us would be nodding our heads and smiling in agreement!
this is a HUGE issue for me…a long time empty nester and grandmother…to find the contentment in the simple things that gives me the joy to continue to do all those chores and routines I know are necessary for a good life, but now, with this realization of your words, that are probably the real purpose in a great life!… to serve, to make beauty and give love…even to those pretty dishes I really enjoy!! thankyou for your insight and giving of your time to share! you really are amazing!
Great post! I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot and I appreciate your thoughts. I’m in a similar boat… mom (3 young kiddos), wife, and blogger. It’s a lot! Definitely a challenging season and I enjoyed your perspective and the idea “small and faithful.” Thanks!
What a beautiful and inspiring post to remind us all of the truth that our worth is in Christ as we serve our families each and every day! Small and faithful…love it!
This has been an ongoing struggle for me. I always feel like I should be doing more. As a stay at home mom, I often feel like I should be earning money too even though my husband doesn’t feel that way (he’d be totally fine if I did but he feels like I do a lot for the family and it is). I appreciate this article for affirming what we do as being good enough in a world that said the opposite. Thank you, Kayse!
I never comment on any posts, but I had to with this one. This was a great reminder. As summer is fast approaching, this morning, I got stuck in the “Pinterest Rabbit Hole” trying to achieve the stuff that will wow my kids this summer and honestly, feel like a Supermom. This email reminded me that God made me the Supermom already. My Bible Study group ended just last week for summer break and I’m already forgetting what I learned. Thanks Kayse for the reminder and if it’s any consolation, you are making a huge difference in the life of other moms to make them feel worthy both through Jesus and self-esteem. You rock!
Thank you so much Kayse for this beautiful reminder today! I really needed it! Over-achiever over here, hard at work, but doing the wrong things and I needed this redirect today! Thank you!
I am not a huge commenter on blogs I read but just had to say something to this. I have always wanted to be a mom. My kids are 14, 12, and 9 now. You are right that the job is not glamorous or necessarily even valued by today’s world, but if our identity is in Christ and we are doing the job we are called to do-which I fully believe for me is being a mom-then take joy and delight in that. Even when the job of the moment is a mundane or even a yucky one. It is definitely one for the long term-raising people who love Jesus and care for others. It doesn’t look important or special on the outside but WOW it is important in the long run. Thanks for all the great encouraging words you share with us-I enjoy your blog!
Wow Kayse, it’s like God sent me this article for this time in my life. Thanks.
Thanks for this article. I just wrote “small and faithful” in my organized life planner. You know how people come up with a word for the year? I think mine is going to be small and faithful though I know that is 3 words.
What a blessing this article was to me! Thank you so much for taking the time to write it!
This post is a huge blessing to me in a few ways. I love your writing, I probably mentioned that in another comment before. But I also love the topic. I’ve been going back and forth about being content in our first house. I think I’m starting to realize, it’s not if we stay or go, it’s my attitude about it. It’s not if I want this as a forever home, it’s if I see that God has provided. It’s not if I can make money with my blog, but why am I blogging in the first place. To affect the lives of moms who like me just have a hard time of it! Thank you Kayse (again) for putting up meaningful content that I love sharing 🙂
Mercy, I’m just sitting here binge-reading all your posts. They’re SO right where I am and exactly what I need to hear. I believe God & I will be having a long conversation about my “less wild lovers” tonight!
Nice, nice post. You put into words, beautifully, the struggle of every homemaker. The world does not value the job we do. It brings us no applause and no paycheck. And yet deep in our hearts we know it is the most important job in the world. I believe God Himself is applauding us as we strive to remain faithful and to keep our eyes on Him. Keep up the great work, loving and serving your family.
I NEEDED this! We’ve recently moved to a new state, my hubby a new job, a new rental house for me and my 5 and 2 yos.
I’m a SAHM and I LOVE it! I don’t know anyone yet. I’m still praying over the phone with friends from my previous state. I don’t feel do alone when I read your blog.
Thank you for being used of the Lord in my life!
Bless you!
Thank you for sharing! I am in a struggle with this. I don’t want to feel like I give my husband and my family my leftovers because I’m pursuing personal accomplishment with my work. I’m a photographer and it takes a lot of weekend time and evenings away from family time. I also volunteer about 25+ hours a week for our church. The Lord has blessed us with a third little due in July, and I’m prayerfully considering closing my business and focusing more on my littles while they are still little. I always wanted to have a family, but I’m not a quitter, and giving up a career that I got a bachelor’s degree in (and am still paying back the student loans on) is hard. Your post is timely and I think it may be time to take the leap. As much as the additional income helps our family, I’m tired of our life being so busy.
I thought I was the only one who has felt or is feeling this way. I now have a new perspective. Thank you.
Thanks for this. I’m in the middle of making of lots of choices and potential changes: Home school vs public school, stay at home mom vs. work at home mom and more. At the same time I’m working through a difficult challenge in my marriage. This was a perfect reminder of what’s most important. You can bet those fulfilling “me” things are screaming my name right now.
I’m right there with you!
Gosh. After completing your reader survey via email, where I commented that I just don’t know when the “transition to motherhood” becomes an actual “arrival”, I popped over to your site, read this post, and… I’m so thankful! Since becoming a mother 13 months ago, I have often said that my life has grown small. I have really struggled to settle into the smallness, and subsequently, I’ve struggled with guilt about that. Loving my son immediately and fully was the most surprisingly natural thing in the world, but… the millions of tactical bits of becoming a mom, and then, of becoming a working mom…? Why has that been so hard? Your post helps me to feel solidarity, but it also helped me realize that as a working mom, there’s conflict between the reality of “growing small”, and the need to “perform big” at work. Of course, quitting my job isn’t an option for my family right now, so I don’t exactly know how to manage that tension, but… my guess is that I could stand to lean more into the “faithful” part of “small and faithful”. Thank you so much for this beautiful reminder, for the solidarity, and for sharing some wisdom!
I love your blog and what I’m reading so far. Truth is, Im not a mom yet. Been trying for a while now and we are going to adopt regardless so Im “in training.”
Keep up the good work, friend. Be encouraged that you are making an impact just sharing your thoughts alone. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I, too, feel the same way at times. Im a homeschool mom of 3 that also works from home as a freelance writer. I feel I’m always juggling.
Then I get those same emails with more encouragement to grow blogs, more freelance writing opportunities, and I get that urge to work harder bc I could have that fabulous full-time career.
But you are right. The blessing for me is found in small and faithful. I’m reminded God will bless when and how He wants, and I need to be thankful for the opportunity to be at home with my kids and still contribute to our household financially as well.
Thank you again for sharing! I needed your message!
Thank you so much for this post
It is exactly what I need to hear. X x
This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of today! It is so easy to become discouraged and disheartened when we turn from what should be our true focus. THanks for tge reminder!!!
Beautiful! You clearly said what has been in my heart lately. Thank you for the great post, and doing what you do so well. You have touched many today. God Bless you!
What a timely message. Thank you for sharing your heart. This is the encouragement I needed today. God bless you.
This could have been written by me (only I don’t have the gift of writing this clearly ;)).
Thank you! I really really needed this reminder today and most every.single.day.
I feel like we could be great friends. If you are ever stranded near Springfield, MO – it’s the Lord – He wants us to meet! Haha!
Thank you for being faithful!
Alas, why do you need to live in California? You are my soul sister more often than not in your writings. This one touched home in so many ways today. Like you I was the overachiever in school and am missing that fulfillment in being a mom/wife. I think one more aspect is that because we DON’T get a report card to tell us how we are doing we feel like we are not reaching that “A”. Because I suspect just like me you can always find that one person who has done something so much better than you have and yet you haven’t noticed how many moms have put you as that goal post to reach. I think if we consider for a moment that our children having a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and know that they are loved as the ultimate benchmark or the “A” than really everything else is just extra credit.
Beautifully written! If I had a way with words like you do, this totally could have been me pouring out my heart. Thank you for writing this! Blessings to you
I really loved this. I Am a wife and mother of five. I have one daughter with special needs. I recently tried to go back to uni and I had to quit due to not having enough hours. It saddened me that I got so much praise and respect from family and friends as well as my husband when as a mum I feel that most of the time I just hear the criticism of what I haven’t done. Nobody sees the small things or the thousands of appointments you take your kids too etc. I know God sees these things and values them. It’s just sad that society doesn’t value the role of mother.
I absolutely love this. Thank you for sharing. I think I could have the blogging perspective word for word. The pressure to do more, be more, show more.
I do believe God is leading me to grow my blogs for reasons beyond my wants. He and I discuss this a lot. Where I am comfortable is not where He wants me to be. Thank you so much for sharing.
I will definitely be sharing with my readers, my mom’s group and referring back myself.
It seems like this could have been written directly to me! Thank you for sharing your encouraging, challenging thoughts!
Beautiful. Just what I needed today. Thank you.
Kayse, it’s Sunday morning and I am reading this with tears in my eyes, because I feel like you have hit the nail on the head. This is a daily struggle of mine as well, and I love how you say God is enough. I feel as my children get older they begin to understand more and more how much it takes to be a mom, and they are so much more appreciative. I also understand that I NEED to be a mom to become that person God wants me to become. This is so beautifully written and I really needed thread this today. Thank you for being honest and realistic in that just because we feel desires does not mean that we always need to seek after those desires that will satisfy our flesh.
I just read a quote this morning from a person I admire and love, it goes like this.https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/87/86/ef/8786ef86344574d31b5a68f47dda967f.jpg
I am so glad I came across this post on Pinterest. Very inspiring. I have felt this way also. For me, it is sewing that brings that affirmation I desperately seek at times. I have a great husband who clearly appreciates what I do for our family which helps tremendously. However, the one thing that helps me be strong against the temptation to put on a movie for the kids and go sew…lol…is meditating on His word and praying! In Him we find that fulfillment and reassurance that we are deeply loved amd appreciated. In Him we find humility and grace to keep washing those dishes and changing those diapers. This IS our ministry and we must serve wholeheartedly! 🙂 thank you for your honesty. Great post!
You got it! Great post!
I just found this post on Pinterest today. It sounded like something I could have written except for the faith part. Sometimes I do think life would be easier if I had faith but having faith is not easy, at least not for me. How do you get to that point? How do you believe? I pray but it always seems like my prayers are meaningless. So without Him, I’m still left with the empty feeling of needing something more.
Isabel, thank you so much for putting yourself out there in a comment! Faith, my friend, is a gift. There’s nothing you have to do to earn it, or get it. I’d encourage you to find a local church to attend, and, if you can, start reading through the book of Matthew. You’re right – faith isn’t easy, especially when life is hard. But the words of the Bible are true – God is with His children even when we don’t feel Him, and He will never forsake us. PLEASE feel free to email me with any questions, or just to chat. I would be so happy to talk with you!! [email protected]
Thank you for your post and giving the scripture that so fits. After being so sick and in the hospital last week, your encouraging words are a breath of fresh air, Thank You & Lord Bless You in all you do!
Thank you for this post! You have truly impacted the way I see things, as lately I’ve been struggling with this very thing. Today I realized I needed to step away from some responsibilities and had I not read this probably gone back to it all tomorrow, but you’re right, “small & faithful” is enough. Thank you for that reminder.
Thank you Kayse. Thank you for bringing it back to God!
I am also a full time worker and in some ways I find this a little easier. Easier because I can get my affirmation at work. But motherhood is so hard and realising that enough IS enough is great.
Thanks and keep up the super writing.
Love from Australia!
So what I needed to hear today….and last week…and the month before. Some days, you know?
You touched my soul with this one!! I’m so here with you!! Everything you typed screamed “that’s me!” Thank you for the reminder, you are so right. He is enough! Deuteronomy 6 has spoken volumes to me in the past two weeks. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
It’s almost like God inspired you to write this for me. I am a homeschool mom, and would not change this for anything. The blessings of being at home with my children, and taking care of our home is immeasurable. I will never, ever regret my choice. However . . . there is that seed of discontentment not because I’m not happy, but because I loved my career, and found it a thrill. Sometimes you need a thrill in between cleaning all three bathrooms, thinking about what use to be. Your comment about finding something shiny? That’s me. Thank you for this affirming post!
Oh Kayse, I have just discovered your blog; & what a blessing you are already! I wish we lived close enough for a coffee & chat (but alas, I live in New Zealand – however if you ever come over for a holiday, look me up *grin*), because I know we’d get on well; I swear you can read my mind!
Thanks for the authenticity in a world of pretend.
Elizabeth
Hello Kayse!
Well, if I were comparing, I think you are one of God’s biggest and mightiest warriors! In my times of spiritual warfare it seems that you always pick up your pen and are armed with God’s word!
Although we can not articulate our spiritual struggle as beautifully and authentically as you can, many women I know do share your feelings and can relate to your personal conflict. A small thank you is in order! And God Bless!
Once again you’ve nailed it.
Thank you. Thank you. God has been working on me with this and your words just confirmed it all.
“It seems like small and faithful is a pretty big deal to God.” —> YES! I’ve been learning (relearning, really …) this too. This may be my favorite post you’ve written. It’s such a needed message. I’m working through Holley Gerth’s new You’re Already Amazing workbook and DVD sessions and this same message is what I took away from the session I did yesterday. I love how you share your real life and encourage others with it.